there have been two questions I always keep coming back to: "is there a god?", and "am I gay?". while it might sound funny, I've wondered about both questions since middle school. I always end up answering "no" to both questions, but I've always felt something was wrong. if there is no god, why does it seem like I get so dam lucky all the time, and why do things work out in weird ways like they do? and if I'm not gay, why do I never have a problem with making guy friends and carrying conversation with guys but struggle to find girls I even care to talk to, and then have more problems carrying conversations with them? again, I've never really questioned my stance on either question, but I always wonder what if I answered affirmatively to either question... haha. sometimes I come to the conclusion that maybe I just don't like either girls or guys, like Nicholas Tesla, who felt that women would inhibit his creativity and never married or had sex with them. I definitely don't believe in that, but what if that belief was just him trying to cover up the fact that he just wasn't attracted to people sexually?

anyway, there have been a few times when a girl just pops up and suddenly I'm interested. a fresh face in a sea of monotony. and things seem to work out in a way that I tell myself there's no way this girl shares so many interests with me just by random luck. I'm faced with the same issue now and man is this hard. she's new to town, overworked, and has no friends besides coworkers, who are all 25+. I've been super productive this past week when I sit down and work, but it's hard because if I don't focus then I can't stop thinking about her. I just wish it were the weekend so we could hang out. but work and time are in the way. I can't talk with her one on one in the lab obviously, so any conversation I do have with her then is just shallow stupid stuff, and we both know there's more to say. at least it's almost thrusday. all I can do in the meantime is not worry about it and to just keep running in circles mindlessly

I hope I have this down, but help me